The Lord has always spoken to me in dreams. Throughout my Hollywood
years I had what I call re-occurring theme dreams. Whatever outfit
I was wearing was always white and I would go into someplace like
a dry cleaners or a laundromat and show the people working there
that I had spots on my clothes and ask if they could get them out.
I didn't understand then, that the Lord was trying to show me my
spiritual condition and need for His Son.
I wanted a wonderful relationship with a man more than anything
on earth including my career, so I ran around between film and television
appearances trying to find the right one. I tormented many men by
trying to get them to meet all my needs.
My first husband was twelve years older than me, the second
was three years younger and the third was twelve years younger.
I battled alcohol addiction, depression, and sought relief in the
new age community. Hollywood was a hotbed of psychic fairs, palm
readers, Tarot card readers, courses on how to find your spirit
guide, yoga, Transcendental Meditation, crystal power, pyramid power,
astral travel, astrology, and on and on. I tried it all with whole
hearted enthusiasm but without any benefit.
Then a guru came to town. His name was Swami Muktananda. He
held what were called intensives in a big tent on the beach in Santa
Monica, California. For one hundred eighty dollars you could go
Saturday and Sunday, all day, and bask in his magnificence. He taught
how he had attained godhood on earth and how we could aspire to
the same thing. It was colorful and exotic to say the least. Incense
burned, bells rang and music played while everyone sat around on
the floor studying this very "Charismatic" man in the turban. Hundreds
like me, desperate for something more, lined up hoping they might
be one of the lucky ones who would have some kind of deep spiritual
experience after being hit on the head by the guru's peacock feathers.
I returned home from an intensive regretting having parted with
my money but more determined than ever to find what I was looking
for, whatever that was. Over time, and spurred by my third husband's
alcohol induced violent behavior, I moved into Swami Muktananda's
ashram in Santa Monica. It was there I decided to sell everything
I owned and move to India. That was where the real power and enlightenment
was they said.
husband found out I was making arrangements to go to India and threatened
to kill me if I tried to go without him. Figuring I'd never get
there dead I told him he could go. I also figured the monks would
protect me from him. We spent the next month selling off pretty
much everything we owned. I would be ashamed to tell you of all
the precious Hollywood memorabilia I practically gave away at yard
sales, but I was on a mission. I was desperate for that elusive,
something more, that would fill the void within me.
ashram in India was a big let down so my husband and I left there
and rented a room in a doctor's house in the village of Ganeshpuri.
We were getting along pretty well until the day he came home with
a bottle of hard liquor. I knew trouble was coming. I didn't know
how he got it as alcohol was forbidden in that village. Nevertheless,
he got it and he got drunk. That night I had a warning dream in
my sleep. Twice before I had been given warning dreams concerning
my husband. The first was in Hollywood where in a dream, a vision
of the night, I saw my front door, which was all glass and as I
looked upon it, it suddenly shattered. The next day my husband beat
me up. The second dream, a few weeks later, was a clear picture
of my stove top which, as I watched, suddenly burst into flames.
The following day he did it again. So when I got this third warning
which was just a picture of a knife going into flesh, I got the
day after the dream he got another bottle and I stayed as far away
from him as I could possibly get. That evening as the sun went down,
I sat on the porch of the doctor's house and watched my poor husband
crouched on all fours stalking neighborhood dogs through the cobra
infested tall grass like an animal. The next morning I found out
that he had in fact stabbed the doctor's dog several times. There
was not a doubt in my mind, that knife had been intended for me
but because I had been warned in a dream I escaped injury. The dog
survived but required many stitches. All I required was a ticket
I started making secret arrangements to leave but, once again
, my husband found out. My in-laws were from Europe and they had
a small summer home in Spain on the Costa Del Sol near Almeria.
We decided to go there.
The second day in Spain my husband picked a fight, threw something
at a mirror breaking it and stormed out to go really tie one on.
I followed and watched through a restaurant window as he downed
shots of something, one after another and I knew I was in serious
trouble. No vision necessary. I ran home crying and very afraid.
I remember standing in the living room of that little house
and surrendering to God from the very depths of my being. I reached
up to heaven with my arms outstreched like a child and cried out
to Him, "God, I have made a mess of my life. You have got to take
over! I can't do it anymore. I can't run my own life." I just stood
there sobbing and then I heard Him speak. Like a very clear thought
which I knew was not originating with me, I heard, "Pick up your
purse," and I did. Then I was told, "Go outside." Outside I walked
to an area where there were heavy bushes and shrubs and crouched
down. My purse and I hid out there for hours . About 3:00am I got
up and looked around. I just stood frozen, waiting, determined not
to lead myself around anymore, until I heard that unmistakable voice
again, "See that hotel way down the beach? Walk down to it," it
When I reached the hotel I just stood looking at it until I
was told to go in and sit in a particular chair. They were serving
continental breakfast in the lobby and although I told them I wasn't
a guest they invited me to partake. I was exhausted, having been
up all night, so the rest and food were much appreciated. I sat
in that lobby until I heard the voice of the Lord telling me to
get into a certain cab, one of many parked at the entrance of the
hotel. Then, for the first time, I asked a question. "Where should
I tell it to go?" "Tell the cab driver to take you to the bus station
in Almeria," came the reply. At the bus station I was instructed
to buy a ticket to Paris. At the Paris bus station I was told to
go to the airport and fly to London where I had one of the best
days of my entire life. The luxury of London after India and waking
up to a blanket of newly fallen snow was like a prophetic announcement
of the state I was about to enter into.
When I got back to the United States I wondered what in the
world was left for me. My marriage was on the rocks and the Gurus
had not measured up to my expectations. There I was, with nothing
left but the clothes on my back and an almost empty pocketbook.
I called my mother who was residing in Palm Springs, California
and told her I wanted to come home. When I finally got there I was
amazed to hear of a healing she had received in a local church,
Glory To God Ministries. I was fascinated by the story and started
thinking maybe there really was something to this Christian thing
and Jesus after all.
days later I asked Jesus to come and be the Lord of my life. I don't
know the exact day, but I do know that during the first week of
January, 1985 I was born again. The sovereign God of heaven and
earth shined His marvelous light into the dark regions of my heart
and soul and then He washed the spots out of my garments.
Everything changed. I felt I belonged somewhere. I felt loved,
really loved for the first time in my life. He came in and filled
that void to overflowing. I could call upon Him and He would answer!
He had all the answers! Now that doesn't mean my life was trouble
free from that day on. But He was there, always there, whispering
to me, revealing Himself in His word, showing me the way and loving
me with an everlasting love. He promised He would never leave me
or forsake me and I knew it was true. I had no more doubt. He delivered
me from all my addictions. He whom the Son sets free is free indeed.
Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth and the life and no one can
come unto the Father except by me," and I believed him.
Salvation is a process, not a one time event although there
needs to be that one time, that moment in a person's life when they
repent (admit they are sinners and turn away from sin and towards
God) and confess with their mouths that Jesus Christ is Lord and,
more importantly, they need to believe it in their hearts. I have
stumbled and fallen since the day I was saved. I have made big mistakes
but my faithful Lord has always been there to pick me up, dust me
off and show me by His Holy Spirit the right way to go. He reveals
more and more of Himself as time goes by. I journal all my dreams
and the prophetic insights He gives me as each one is a precious
gift from the very God of all Creation.
I didn't go back to Hollywood because I couldn't once I had
seen the truth. Once I had seen what holiness looked like, I couldn't
go back. In fact I was ashamed of ever having been a part of it.
It was years before I would tell anyone who didn't already know,
that I had been an actress. The standard over Hollywood isn't holiness
for the most part. Although there are always wonderful exceptions.
Movies and television shows are powerful instruments in the
hands of men. They can glorify God and mankind made in His own image
or they can blaspheme God and shred every bit of dignity man has.
They can inspire and give hope or they can transfer lust for everything
dark and contratry to the will of God. The standard by which we
all should be measuring everything is, Does it glorify God? God
is tender in mercy but He is also the Righteous Judge.
I am loving my Hollywood past nowdays as it is the platform
God Almighty has chosen for me. It enables me to tell of the great
love of the Father for all His children. It gives me an opportunity
to invite you to come unto Him if you have not already done so.
If you find yourself hungering for that something more and a love
that will enfold you and satisfy like no other, please click on
the ministry button.
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